Asthma

Most people describe the roaring metropolis of Luna Vista as ‘a spot in the road’. The more eloquent further stating, “that if you were driving through and blinked, you’d miss it!” This is not completely accurate, however. If you truly blinked, then you would miss the sign signaling a change in the lawful speed limit from 65 to 35. Yes, indeed, there is no in between! At that point, Luna Vista’s most ardent and zealous law enforcement officer, a hybrid of Barney Fife and Junior from HeeHaw, would greet you at the dusty pull-off area across the street from the Store. Sitting there, waiting for your hundred dollar, self-inflicted donation to the City Of… tends to slap you in the face with the realization that there is, in fact, a town here.

Luna Vista is a sleepy little town, no doubt. There really is only one main street…that street going by the obvious name, “Main Street”. The town mostly consists of a convenient store, post office, town hall, one tavern, two churches, a school, various Mom & Pop businesses, and a motley set of homes ranging from recently built Tudor-style homes, to 60’s-style motor homes. Many times a home of the former style sits right next to a home of the latter style. Obviously, the concept of zoning never caught on in Luna Vista.

Even non-locals know that The Store is Luna Vista’s miniature version of Grand Central Station. It is the hub of all that goes on in Luna Vista. The Store really is more of a convenience store / gas station / café / arcade / pool hall / general meeting place. The store sits strategically in the center of town next to the bar and across from the above mentioned pull-off area. Many a speedy traveler were further humiliated by the jeering and even cheering of the local populous loitering on the Store’s porch. Rodney and Imogene run the store and could best be described as the inspiration for that childhood song that goes, “Here comes the bride…” Truthfully, it is a stretch to say they both run the store. Imogene runs the store. Occasionally, you might find Rodney flipping a burger at lunch, but usually he is playing cards, shootin’ pool, or just hidin’ out from Imogene. When least expected, customers and other passersby are treated to the piercing shrill of “Rooodddneeeeee!!!”. Most never forget the experience. Somehow, Rodney is entirely capable of forgetting it.

RoeMayo and Jasper happened to be playing cards at the store when the call came in. Both worked for the town and were supposed to be at the fire station, on call. Don’t be upset by this, though. Calls were and are frequently forwarded to the store. After all, the fire station doesn’t have a pool table!

Now, you’re probably wondering why his name is RoeMayo as it’s not a common name. Don’t worry, it isn’t his real name. It’s a nickname he earned in high school. Unfortunately, that story will have to wait for another time. For now, just know that it’s pronounced just like Romeo.

RoeMayo and Jul…Sorry, slip of the tongue. A lot of people are under the misconception that, as third party, omniscient narrator, I know everything that is going on and am infallible, as it were. In short, that I am god. In fact, this is erroneous. We narrators are just as infallible as others; we just have more austere voices. Anyway, RoeMayo and Jasper were playing cards at the store when the call came in. You would think Imogene would hand the phone over to one of them when she found out that the call was a medical emergency. No…she took the call herself and then bellowed out for all to hear. So much for HIPAA.

“Melvin’s been stabbed! He’s at his house.”

It was, indeed, Melvin who had called 911 in duress. Actually he dialed “#44” the first time…Melvin being a somewhat myopic creature. He was also perseverant, though, and quickly corrected his mistake. RoeMayo and Jasper found Melvin lying up against the refrigerator in his trailer watching college football. It looked like it was a Nebraska game…playing some poor school from directional LA.

“What’s the score, Melvin?”

“47-3, 5 minutes left in the 3rd”, he gasped before taking a swig of beer. I forgot to mention that he had a six-pack in his lap.

“Living good today, I see”, Jasper quipped, referring to the 6-pack of Miller Genuine Draft in Melvin’s lap. You see, while Melvin was rarely seen without a bottle in his hand, usually said bottle was a magnum of Cobra.

“What seems to be the problem today”, RoeMayo asked, knowing full well what the problem was. (Also, don’t let RoeMayo’s lack of urgency trouble you. These things tended to happen with high frequency to Melvin. Like most redundant jobs, this one had a “been there, done that” feel to it.)

“Well…Henryetta got upset…and…well…she had a knife in her hand at the time she got upset.”

RoeMayo quickly ascertained the rest of the story, the blood from Melvin’s chest reasonably indicating the extent of Henryetta’s ire. RoeMayo efficiently tore off Melvin’s shirt revealing, not one, but three puncture wounds.

“Looks like she was pretty mad”! said RoeMayo

Jasper thought it was kinda a dumb comment, but maybe Roe’s just trying to keep Melvin talking…bedside manner and all that.

RoeMayo carefully began the all-important job of probing and poking. It’s the first thing they teach at EMT class, after all. He checked Melvin’s heart rate, while Jasper started cleaning and applying bandages to Mel’s chest. Maybe it was the movement, maybe it was the relief that the EMT’s were here, or maybe it was the fact that directional LA had just scored on a punt return, but Melvin all-of-a-sudden went white and looked like he was going to faint. He dropped the bottle of beer that he had been holding in his right hand. Thank goodness it was already empty!

“MELVIN! STAY WITH US!”

A slap to Melvin’s face accompanied this demand. While I don’t think they teach this particular slapping technique in EMT class, the effect, was, nonetheless, as desired. Melvin started to come around.

“MELVIN, WHAT’S WRONG? “CAN YOU BREATHE?!?”

Melvin blinked a few times before gasping, “No… I have asthma!”

That’s right. He may be full of holes and somewhat drunk, but it’s the asthma that’s going to kill him. Melvin didn’t die, though. RoeMayo and Jasper got him to the hospital. The doctors patched him up. Within a week, he was back home in good ole Luna Vista.